Accurate Horoscopes from Mystic Xaph

[xaph]

Oh ye people. Heed these warnings and the heavens shall shine down upon you.


Aries:

A stunt involving a tea bag or still-warm coffee ground will have the opposite effect intended at breakfast time on the 12th. Consult stain removal texts only from fellow Ariesians with urgency.

A happy-go-lucky colleague from work is set to bring you grief this month, peppered, as always, by a moment or two of genuine belly laughing hilarity. A reference to water should be taken as a sign that harm is just around the corner.

In order to stop a hurricane on the other side of the world it is important that you immediately swot all butterflies and moths after the 9th.


Taurus:

Mechanical problems are set to blight this month, especially with regards to bicycles, but also industrial machines with limb ripping-off potential.

It is one of those strange truths in life that things that can kill us can also be useful in moderation. Embrace your death defying tendency and welcome a modest amount of new life-challenges this month, as long as it does not involve water or space travel.

Greet a stranger with a nifty wink on the 18th as she will offer you many exciting opportunities for self expression.


Gemini:

Embrace anger in all of its forms this month to bring colourful incidents into your life, especially in interior decorating type situations.

You will be called upon to stop sharply this month all of a sudden while driving or pushing a wheelchair or pram. Ensure your brakes have not been tampered with by underworld connections with whom you have had a tempestuous past.

Practice the everyday use of sign language carefully after dark especially in reasonably well-lit areas.


Cancer:

What appears to be a simple run-of-the-mill planetary conjunction between Jupiter and Mars on the 9th, is about to have a profound effect on your taste buds. Both relish and tomato ketchup will 'taste funny' for most of the month. Be on guard when adding what is normally your favourite condiment up until 18th.

A shock involving the combination of a cough and a sneeze is set to stun you and those in your immediate area after 10:30am on the 7th. It is unclear from your charts what the source of the incident will be. Best be advised to take sensible nasal precautions from the 2nd onwards and take your favourite extra-strong sneeze prevention and catching methods with you at all times. Rudimentary nose care is especially advised when in the shower.

You will discover a new word on the 20th which will serve you well in spelling competitions.


Leo:

You have always feared Full Moons after watching that werewolf movie as a youngster. This month your worst fears will either be alleviated forever, or confirmed in the most harrowing of fur-based incidents.

Dawn and dusk have begun to confuse your shopping habits in this 24 hour shopping society. This month you will have to confront the question: At dawn should I slow down my shopping or speed up? Is dusk a sign that I should take a break in an in-mall eatery? Jupiter will take you in hand and provide a shopping list of life-affirming dimensions.

A former East German is not happy with you and may use you as an example of what might happen to his children if his advice to them is not heeded.


Virgo:

Mercury's left-to-right movement in your celestial charts are set for a quick reversal this month. A bit like a moon walk but involving planets.

Sharp movements in the planets like this are rare and can be quite devastating for those involved. (It's similar to when one of those large oil tankers want to turn round on the sea and it takes 10 miles or so to do it, except Mercury is about a billion times bigger and it'll all be happening over a couple of days.)

Expect the unexpected and take an umbrella everywhere even when it looks fine.

Jazz will offer moments of finger tapping relaxation this month enjoy best with an orange coloured drink.


Libra:

You will be struck by the sudden, all knowing, Eureka-type, realisation this month that you are completely insane. Never fear! You are under the influence of a relatively common turbulence in the Martian atmosphere. What is uncommon, here, is that you will be standing directly under the influence at 6:04pm on the 4th with the result that it will affect you 137 times more than usual.

A person with a grudge to settle will use a strange martial arts technique to pull you to the ground without touching you on the 8th. This is possible due to a temporary conjunction of the Earth's chi with a Neptunian gravitational anomaly. It really is hilarious to watch and Jupiter is looking forward to the event in a David-Copperfield-is-on-the-TV-with-a-new-magic-trick-tonight type way.

A knot you tied in your youth will come back to haunt you on Wednesdays.


Scorpio:

Pluto and Mercury will fight to control you mood swings this month in a Walt-Disney-short-cartoon-of-the-early-1940's type way. It looks likely that Mercury will win in the end after jamming a spanner down Pluto's throat.

Expect fiery bursts of anger to come out of your mouth during the most innocent of moments. Ensure your hair care is not compromised in your early morning ablutions: remember that bad hair days can make moment of abject jumping up and down anger hilarious.

Pluto's 'things you ought to know this month': Homophobia is not a hatred of your home.


Saggitarius:

It is a little appreciated fact that good luck is the same as bad luck, but in reverse. In high powered Wall Street type financing situations, it is popular to refer to things as a zero sum game - this means that there is only one winner. In fact everyone is a winner in life it just depends how you look at it.

Example: To you a 15% pay increase sounds fantastic, however someone on ten times what you earn may laugh uncontrollably at such a small, insignificant, pay increment and may even angrily reject such a pittance as the amount only a loser would be pleased with.

Dogs wearing underwear will look funny until you see their owners and it will all make sense.


Capricorn:

Neptune continues to cast its considerable clout over short people throughout the month, so best to look carefully where you are stepping.

(Short people have a particular dislike of Capricorn for historical reasons and there is not much you will be able to achieve to placate this group that other Capricorn's have tried and failed to do in the past.)

Greet guide dogs for the blind by pressing your nose firmly against theirs. Avoid the offering of choco drops at the risk that the dog could become over excitable.


Aquarius:

You are going through one of the most incredibly lucky times of your life - it is simply amazing, isn't it? Things have gone so well for so long you will be forgiven for wondering how much longer your luck can hold.

Well, your lucky streak is set to continue at least for this month and possibly longer as Jupiter rewards you with the fruits of being entertaining to the planets on many levels for many years.

Whilst lottery wins and unforeseen inheritances are not very likely, the small luckinesses, such as being able to breathe freely and at length and that tip-tapping sound of rain upon a roof, will pepper your life as never before.

Angst, Ambush and Armageddon will make an appearance in a crossword, a word search puzzle or news item at some point this month.


Pisces:

It is clear that Jupiter has been concerned about your calcium intake for quite a while and is influencing your mind using the ancient planetary technique of dreams. Vitamin and mineral supplements should be embraced until you get the running-hard-but-you-dont-move-because-you-are-in-sticky-stuff dream.

A new exercise regime, including eating healthy food, which you dismissed in March as too much effort, may provide interest this month now you have gained 40 pounds of flab. Exercise will have a fantastic effect on your libido and will repay the effort twofold over time.

[vedwed]

Ummm...

This is not accurate, as you did not depict my death to Ajamtax today!! :D

[xaph]

They are 100% accurate. The stars do not lie for they are incapable of such a thing.

[PieterPost]

You on the other hand are far more than capable of misinterpreting them I'm sure!

Nemesis

[xaph]

Hmmm, i understand...

The stars forsee great pain in your future nem! in the shape of a hand and a noise that sounds just like a <SMACK!> :D

[Ztinktoof]

OMG! So accurate!


>> Cancer:

>> Both relish and tomato ketchup will 'taste funny' for most of the month...

Gaah!

My morning bowl of corn flakes made me puke after adding these condiments. And I ran out of toilet paper too!


>> A shock involving the combination of a cough and a sneeze is set to stun you and those in your immediate area after 10:30am on the 7th.

Dang!

I was enjoying a late breakfast at the local Gentlemen's Club when the heady odor of Jean Nate bath powder sent me wheezing backwards in my chair. I interrupted the lapdance of a 500lb longshoreman when I fell into his lap face-first.

To say I was stunned would be an understatement. He had a crowbar in his pants and he knew how to use it. (At least I think it was a crowbar.)


>> It is unclear from your charts what the source of the incident will be.

Ummm... 80 year old stripper. Her thighs got a little too close to my face.


>> You will discover a new word on the 20th which will serve you well in spelling competitions.

Scenester: won me a bar bet at the Red Neck Saloon. The unshaven slob in torn, butt-crack jeans, dirty, sleeve-cut-off sweatshirt and NASCAR hat (worn backwards) was not amused. Hey! I almost won enough money to pay for my dental work!


You are teh best Xaph!

[xaph]

I thank you Zinktoof. I am just glad that i could forewarn you about these tragic events. Take care in all aspects of life my child. Look after your health, avoid high places and never on any circumstances approach the one known as..Mars..